Flaws
by Ellstra
Summary: "What s the matter, scared of little lightning?" It was supposed to be an innocent question but it made Loki recall things he would rather let hidden. Warning for suffering and a bit harsh theme, and a bit of off-characterness. rated right between T and M.
1. Chapter 1

**_I got this idea when I was quite depressed so it might be quite harsh. I´m sorry if it offends you or you find it too cruel to Loki or something like that, I´m sorry. You´ve been warned._**

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„What´s the matter? Scared of little lightning?" I didn´t think I would ever hate somebody as much as I hate this so-called-soldier. He reminded me of some events I didn´t really want to recall. The darkest times of the deepest despair and misery. The times when I really didn´t feel quite well.

„I´m not overly fond of what follows," I murmur because that´s all I´m able to say. I have to manage this. I can´t let the memories take me over. I have to fight it, I have to be strong. Inhale, exhale. I can manage this.

I can´t. In a moment, flashes of deeply burried memories are awakening. I can´t stop it.

_I know this situation very well. I´ve seen it so many times in my nightmares I hoped I wouldn´t have to experience it again. I´m clutching the knife which is my biggest enemy and best friend in one. I´m biting my lip, hard, the blood is running down my chin. I don´t pay attention to it. In fact I barely notice it. I feel much worse pain, the one which can´t get better with few stitches and plaster. No. This injury is too deep, too serious to be cured. I will never recover, the question is – will I be able to live with it? Will I want to? Will I ever be able to go on with my life?_

_I won´t have scars. They´re too common. I will have opened wounds, deep, painful and incurable. My soul has been damaged and there is no way to get back. I won´t die. I will suffer from this pain forever, forever with mind torn into milion pieces, unable to feel anything but pain and mistrust. _

_I had believed, I had trusted, I had had dreams. I had been silly and childish, but I can´t pretend I´m the same person anymore. I had trusted one person, I´d given him everything, my whole personality, I´d shown him my fears, my heart, my dreams and he used it. Against me. To prove he was strong, to show me how fragile I was, to make me fear every breath I took. To show me how deep was the pit of misery and desperation, to make me touch the very bottom. To make me feel such a pain I´m not even able to describe it. To make me want to die – if only I could. I tried to kill myself, but I´m too frightened to do so. What if he waits for me there, on the other side? What if it´s even worse? What if I just disappear and only the pain remains, with no real possibility to vanish?_

_I´m kneeling, sitting on my ankles, left index finger mindlessly dancing on the tip of the knife. The blade is shining dimly in the pale rays of moonlight coming here through the window. Rain drops are flowing down the glass as if even stars cried over me. Which is not true, of course. Nobody cares about me, and if he does it´s just to make me frightened, to hurt me. Tiny dribblet of blood gleams on the peak of my finger and quickly runs away, down my forearm, falls from my elbow and soakes into the fabric of my trousers. I watch the scarlet path it left on my hand and move the knife farther to my wrist, pressing it against the palm of my hand to open the wound, but tenderly enough not to make it too serious. The pain makes me weep but I know it´s neccessary. This is the only way how to forget the pain in my soul, at least for a while. It won´t disappear, I´m not that naive, but I will ignore it for a little while. _

_I blink few times to fight tears back, but I´m not successful. They´re pouring from my eyes without care whether I want to cry or not. I watch the red line which breaks the paleness of my left hand. The steel of the knife shines coldly, assuring me I´m silly to dream about getting better. It laughs at me and I know it pretty well. Everybody has always been laughing at me. Why this frosty piece of metal should be different? Just because I trust it enough to see my tears, to touch my blood? Maybe I´m stupid, to share such an intimacy with any thing. After what happened I should destroy this knife and find some new because it knows too many of my secrets. I don´t want anybody to find out what is the matter with me. Never. Because I´m too hurt, too damaged and too ashamed to even think about it. There is only one person who knows everything about all the pain I´ve ever felt and that´s me. And it shall stay like this._

_The blade of the knife opens another wound. It bleeds much more than the previous one and it also hurts more. I let my head fall back, almost close my eyes and breathe deeply as the ceiling above my head begins to melt, swirl and slowly disappears. I´m falling deeper to my misery, back, back to the hurtful event, right into the centre of all the pain. I want to scream but I can´t, I´m afraid he would come._

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**_Thanks for reading, it means quite a lot to me. Will you please leave me a review? *puppy eyes*_**


	2. Chapter 2

„_You little milksop. What do you fear? There´s nothing to fear, don´t you know? Nothing." His blue eyes are shining with evil light he hides from everybody but me. He tied my hands behind my back so I can´t really rest. I´m sitting as far from him as possible, but it´s not enough. I´m staring at him as he walks closer to me with a whip in hands. I can´t even lie to myself and hope he won´t hit me. Because he will. He always does. Marks me, makes me loathe my own body, makes sure I wouldn´t forget what he has done._

„_It´s just you and me. Like the old days. You used to be a bit more loyal to me. Nevermind, I shall make you do what I want you to again, don´t fear. But that has time." He falls on one knee in front of me and lets the whip lie beside him. His fingers are touching my chin, almost gently and tenderly. I hate myself for being so weak and letting him do it, but I can´t help it. He was right. Of course he was, he knows me too well. Deep inside I want him to touch me the way he does, I want him to love me, I want to make him happy. But not like this. How am I supposed to tell him I would do this all if he didn´t force me? And didn´t hurt me? We could have done this without all the pain. Unfortunately, he seems to enjoy the pain the most._

_I feel hot tears in eyes. I try to bow my head again because I know he would make it even more painful if I cried. He hates when I cry. He always shouts at me I ´m a coward and I should act like the true prince of Asgard. But I can´t. It´s just so painful. _

„_You´re crying!" He snaps out and in the same moment I see a bright flash which makes my eyes sore and hear a formidable thunder. Everything in my brain shouts at me that I´m in danger. And yet I can´t stop myself crying._

„_I´m sorry. I´m so, so much sorry," I whimper and try to look anywhere but his threatening, scary eyes. He doesn´t let me._

„_No you´re not. You can´t help it, right?" he smiles. I´m alarmed – this is not his usual demeanor. But I can´t resist, I want to believe there is something left in him, some of the things I used to love him for._

„_I can´t." I nod and hope he will let me go._

„_No. Because you´re weak and timorous!" He shouts again and slaps me. Pain surprises me so much I almost don´t notice the lightning and thunder his fury has created. I feel my left cheek burning with pain – he is definitely strong. I know I will have to fix my face before somebody sees me. Warmth moving down makes me realise he even opened some wound on my cheek bone._

„_Please," I beg him._

„_You please?!" His eyes meet mine again. I turn head with effort. „You´re not worthy talking to me. You´re nothing. Nothing, do you get it? You´re less to me than the boar I´ve killed yesterday on hunt." He grabs my shoulders and shakes with me. I´m trying hard not to weep again, but his words hurt me more than he thought they would. Or maybe he said it on purpose. He knows me very well._

„_What´s the matter? Scared of little lightning?" he smiles in amusement as if he just said some brilliant joke. Then his face turns back to seriousness._

„_And now I shall show you your place. You have to know where you belong to, what is the meaning of your life. Don´t resist and it won´t hurt too much." He pulls me up on my knees and for a while kneels in front of me as well, as if he was hesitating what to do next. I know what will follow and I fear that. Smirk on his face tells me he knows that I know and it makes everything even more amusing for him. He´s still in almost the same position as I am only without hands tied together. His eyes glare in the darkness of the room. I know this sight. It means he´s completely lost. Insane._

„_You know what I want you to do. And you know what will happen if you don´t do it like I want." He says even though it´s not really neccessary to speak about it. And there is no point in his threat since I know he will do whatever he wants with me, no matter how good I am in… this._

_He stands up and unbuttons his trousers and takes them off. I hate myself for admiring his legs. His fingertips are playing with the edge of his underpants not letting me wonder about my quest anymore. There is no hope I won´t have to do it. I see he´s already a bit stiff but I know this is not all. I´ve seen these parts of his body many times before. I watch him moving the last part of clothing covering him, I stare at his hips and try not to swallow too loudly. Finally he takes it off; not completely but right above his knees. So the show will go on afterwards. _

_It doesn´t matter. Not now when I see what he was hiding in pants all the time. Not now when he grabs my head and presses me towards his lap. Not now when I feel the familiar fullness in my mouth. Not now when his hands make me move even faster, even harder and even more harshly. Not now when I realise sharp pain as he buries his fingers in my hair and pulls. Not now when I feel my own pants becoming too tight against everything I want. Not now when he moans with pleasure. Not now when he suddenly comes on the top and bursts into my mouth, with a loud groan and thunder sounding in the distance again._

_He wouldn´t let me do anything else so I swallow even though I always feel like vomitting. It makes everything more present, more here and more horrid. When I actually feel the proof of my humiliation moving down my throat. _

_He lets me regain breath and puts his pants on again. I don´t dare to fall back so I try to clear my mind. It´s not easy because my knees hurt, I feel exhausted and my cheek still aches. I know I mustn´t cry, so I close my eyes and desperately wish to be strong enough. I don´t have anybody to pray to, I just try to believe some miracle will happen and I will be saved._

„_Do you know what I´ve wanted to see for a long time?" He wanders across the room and makes me feel even more nervous. I´m wrecked inside, I´m broken into milion small shards. I won´t stand much more. It´s getting worse and worse. Now, after so many times with him, my imagination frightens me more than he does. Because he doesn´t have enough time to do everything I fear, even if he had a whole day he wouldn´t be able to do everything what goes through my head. That´s the worst. It´s not just when I´m with him what scares me – now it´s even the time when I´m alone, because I have time to think of what he didn´t do and could._

_I just shake my head to tell him I don´t have any idea what he wants me to do. Which I don´t – none and millions at once._

„_I want to see you… touching yourself." His voice sounds rough. My brain is working so fast I feel my head might explode in the very next moment. „In the way you´re touching me. Show me how you do it to yourself."_

_I shut my eyes. I can´t do this. If I do, he´ll ask me what I saw, what my imagination showed me. I won´t be able to lie and I mustn´t tell him the truth. He mustn´t know that even if he frightens me, I´m still picturing him. He mustn´t know that I really want him – I want him desperately, I need him to be here for me in the way I want him to. I want him to be the nice, kind, beautiful man like I´ve known him. I want him to comfort me, I want him to apologise, to tell me everything will be alright and that he won´t hurt me again, like he used to say when we were children. He mustn´t know that, because it´s my biggest secret, the only thing he doesn´t know about me. He would know my weakest point and I would never be alright._

„_You´ve tied my hands," I say expressionlessly._

„_I know." He gets behind me and his fingers run down my back. I shiver. This is the kind of touch I need. This is what I want. Gentle touch. Suddenly I feel my wrists free. I look at them, stretch fingers as I try to make the blood run through the veins in my hands again. _

„_You´re not here to do some stupid excercise." He hisses and comes back in front of me. I try to look desperate, giving up, but it´s not working on him, it never does. I can fool almost everybody, make them think what I want them to. But not him because he knows me and he would never let my puppy eyes work on him. He always seems to look through me, not at me. I think that´s his way to overpower me – he doesn´t really see me._

_I swallow, close my eyes and breathe in deeply. I know I have no chance. I´ve given up, I stopped resisting, I don´t dare to reject. I fall back on my heels and lean my head against the wall. I´m not looking at him, but I know he´s watching me. I force my long, thin fingers to unbutton my shirt. I don´t know if he falls for it, I don´t dare to look. It doesn´t really matter whether he knows that I want to delay this as much as possible – we both know there is no way out. My shaking hands are wandering across my bare chest and stomach and finally, I can´t wait anymore. My fingertips slip down on my underbelly, eventually hiding behind the fabric of my trousers. I still keep my eyes shut. It´s easier to forget._

_I hadn´t realise I was really taking off my clothes until I found out I was already touching myself. I hear his deep breath and for some reason it makes it more difficult to concentrate. I bite my lip and try to forget again. It´s just him and I, in a better reality where he wants me and not my pain or my screams, pleas, begging and never-ending fear. His perfect skin, his eyes with the colour of midday summer sky, his muscular body, his shining hair and my lust, my desire, my love. I see him embracing me, comforting me, telling everything was going to be okay, hiding me in his arms, pulling me closer into a gentle kiss. This is my dream and in my dream he kisses me. Even though he never does that in real. I see myself weeping and him humming a lullaby mother used to sing when I couldn´t sleep when I was a child. I imagine myself waking up in the morning in his warm arms, being allowed to watch him in his sleep. In a moment he wakes up and smiles at me. Not his grin. Real, sincere smile he used to give me. _I love you, Loki. I truly love you._ He whispers and I open my eyes widely when I feel a sudden wave of pleasure and infinite happiness. For a while I believe this has really happened._

_Only until I see him in front of me, half naked with eyes shining. Until I see my hands, the warm white liquid on my fingers and I realise that was just an evil joke. He made me feel happy just to be able to take it all from me, to show me how deep I can fall. I bow my head so I don´t have to look at him and cry again. I´m shaking with sobs and I can´t stop it. Not now when I know my place, when I know everything is futile; world is an inhospitable place and nothing can change it. Life is one big suffering and I don´t really want to go on with it._

_I have never seen this possibility before. How could I be so stupid? There is a way out of this misery. It exists. I only had to fall on the bottom of this pit to see it. The way is not up; I would never be able to get out of this, it´s too steep and deep. The way is down. To fall beyond everything I know and hope it would be better. I don´t really want to stay in this chasm for eternity._

_I watch him standing in front of me and think. Would he be able to kill me? If I upset him so much he would be insane, would he beat me till I´m dead? Is he capable of such a thing? And am I?_

„_What are you going to do next?" I ask him harshly. Two points. I´m not allowed to speak. And I´m not allowed to be sarcastic. „Lie me down on the table and rape me until I cry your name in pain, beg you for letting me die?" _

_I see his eyes gleaming. He walks towards me, slowly as if he was deep in thoughts. That´s not good. I know this pretty well; this face means I´m going to suffer. And I´m quite sure this will be worse than anything I´ve ever experienced. _

„_Kind of. You will cry and beg but only when I let you. Not until I make you suffer. Slowly, intimately, in every way I know you fear. You will regret the day you were born, you will wish you were dead. And then…" He´s in front of me. „I will, kindly," his fingers are running down my face and neck. Even though he threatens me, I can´t help but enjoy his touch. „let you cry." _

_His eyes blaze as he grabs my shoulders and pulls me to the other side of the room, probably to tie me up to the table. He does that very often. I don´t really want him, maybe if I resisted a bit more he would end it faster. If I drove him as insane he would forget how he was talking about pain…_

_I jerk and for a while I´m pretty sure I surprised him. He´s not used to any resistence from me or from anybody else. Then he turns back to me and I think it wasn´t really the best idea. He doesn´t look angry at all which frightens me. I know he acts absurdly when he´s furious so I would have had a chance. However he seems to be calm which means everything is much worse. He rarely doesn´t lose his temper. Like now. He´s staring at me, face expressionless, only eyes glowing with rage. _

„_Do you want to resist, brother?" he hisses and in this moment I swear I want to die, I wish this so badly, even worse than before. I thought of death many times before but it has never been so present. _

„_You will get what you deserve, don´t be afraid." His strong arms don´t let me move, not now when he holds me with all his strenght. I should have been training a bit more even though I´m not quite sure I would be able to fight him. Nobody is. _

_He throws me on the table and doesn´t even bother with pretending to be gentle. He pins me onto the surface of the table harshly, with brutal strenght and contorts my arms when he rips the shirt off me. I moan in pain with closed eyes. He moves quickly so I don´t even realise he let my hands go until he holds them again, even though now stretched in front of my head. I can´t resist. I try to yank my shoulders several times but it wouldn´t help. He´s too strong. And he can do anything he wants._

„_Don´t you," he holds my wrists pressed tightly one against another, „ever even try," he takes the cord he had in his pocket and ties my hands together again, „to resist me." He pulls the ends of the rope brutally and I feel as if he already cut my hands off. I don´t know whether he will let me live or not. I just think my hands will be no use anymore. It hurts but soon I just don´t feel anything._

_I would like to look what he´s doing, but I don´t dare. And I´m not able to turn my head in his direction. So I just lie here and wait. Wait for the end._

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**_Reviews, maybe? pretty please._**


	3. Chapter 3

_I wake up from my nightmare when I feel another wave of pain, worse than those before. The knife falls from my hand which is shaking more than I´ve ever seen anything shaking. I dare to open my eyes, even though I´m frightened. What if he´s here? What if he held my hand what if he´s here to hurt me again? I blink many times and try to slow my heart down, which is not entirely easy. I look down and see my left forearm covered in blood. And a long, zigzag wound in the middle of it. I use the ast bits of my wit and make the blood stop pouring out of it. After that, I only fall, I´m not able to do anything else. _

_Reliving all the pain, physical and mental. Remembering all the things which happened, recalling all the fear, all the pain, every moment of the torment, every word of the tormentor, every beg, wish, pray. Awareness of his hard muscular body against mine, hearing the screams of pain, seeing the drops of sweat and tears, feeling the blood and pain. Sparklets in front of my eyes, darkness, suffering, triumphant laugh, ridicule. And in the middle of it all, blue eyes full of disdain. Telling me how little I mean to him, less than nothing. That he will do anything for his own pleasure. And he wouldn´t mind hurting me again. _

_I shall never forget how he told me he will guard me so he can use me. He wouldn´t kill me, he´s never wanted to. Who would be able to hide what he has done? Who would let him possess him? Nobody but me. Because I love him too much._

_I´m clutching the knife again, gazing at it. Only one hit and I would never have to feel miserable. But I can´t. I´m frightened, maybe selfish when I don´t want to leave. And I can´t really leave him here. Because no matter what he has done, I can´t hate him. It´s just my fault that he doesn´t know how much I want him. It´s all my fault – just because I´m too weak to tell him I love him._

_I open another wound on my wrist. My fault. Only and just my fault. Nobody else´s. I´m stupid. Useless._

_Tears are flowing down my face and I hate myself for them. _

_Silent sobs escape my chest as I weep._

_I deserve the pain for all my faults. _

_It´s only my problem that he has to cause me pain. And that I have to cure it. _

_It must be me to hold the knife. It must be my hands to open the wounds, to let the blood run out of my veins, to let the pain flee._

_And when I know I wouldn´t survive any other dribblet of my blood to leave, I simply close the wounds with my magic. I can´t leave my problems so easily. I must live them, because they´re the result of my faults. _

_Of all the flaws I have._

The sound of thunder slowly disappears. I was waken up from my terror by a different noise. I know he´s here. I can sense him, I can feel his presence. In a little while I´m frightened again, without any real chance to escape. He came for me. Now he´s finally found me again and I´m sure he will give me what I deserve for running away from him.

Stark opens the gate and I widen my eyes in fear. Why? Why would you do that?! I want to scream, but I have no time for that. When he appears here, I´m speechless. I stare at him, unable to move. Nobody seems to notice it when he steps closer to me, pulls me out and grabs me under his arms, jumping out of the plane. With me in his arms.

I´m jerking, trying to escape but he holds me too firmly. He won´t let me go, not now when he finally found me again. I´m trying to hit him, to bite him, to do anything to loose his grip. He doesn´t let me fall.

We land on some rock and he pushes me down on the ground how he used to do back on Asgard when I was his…what? Victim? It doesn´t matter.

I know two things for sure. That he´s furious and won´t let me flee again. I have to get in some prison before he can touch me again. Before he can hurt me again. Before he can cause some more damage to me. Before he can break me.

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_**I´m sure you don´t want to make me sad by not sparing me a review. Pretty please**_.


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